How About a Faki?

 

Now before you start going loco on a brother, I suggest you control your whoremones. I do not want to bang anyone. Not today at least. Well, now that I think about it, maybe just little wanton behaviour wouldn’t do any harm now would it?

Wzctly!

However, promiscuity was the furthest thing on my mind when I was coming up with that title. Faki is a Chinese recipe which comprises of vegetables and linden soup if I remember correctly. I bumped into it recently when I was browsing the web. I know most of you are wondering, what the fuck would a nigger be doing on a chef blog? Well, it is a field that spurs interest in me and I’m such a good cook that I can successfully make an omelette without burning it or the house. Plus I heard girls dig that shit and technically, I could use one or two.

That brings me back to the topic. I travelled upcountry to meet my old folks and the whole area code looked different. The buildings were more or less the same but there was something different and I couldn’t figure out what it was. I decided to take a casual stroll.

Then it hit me.

The whole neighbourhood was littered with what my family friend called ‘a married man’s delight’. High school girls!  All sorts of girls that I’d never known to exist were casually sitting outside their gates in clusters of about three or four. I wondered what would happen if I just walked up to one of them and said;

“Hey, how about a faki?” 

This is most likely what would happen;

So yeah, I know…you’re thinking it’s a really the stupidest thing to say. And I agree with you considering the fact that the nearest Chinese restaurant is at least 250 km away. The thing is (correct me if I’m wrong) so many girls fall for the wrongest, most ridiculous guy that comes their way. You ever been to club and that really hot dame sipping on Alvaro turns down really nice guys but falls for some ruggedy looking guy who says all the right shit? Even if that shit sounds like, ‘hey, you looking hot tonight and I mean no offense but I want to fuck the dog shit out you.’

And he’ll walk out with her like he’s picking up a suit from the dry cleaners’.

Plus these babes in my hometown don’t do Alvaro and Smirnoff so why the fuck not? As I was thinking of this insane idea, I saw some three babes and maybe I wouldn’t have gone through with the plan if one of them wasn’t a friend to my homeboy. Or maybe if one of the girls didn’t look so damn exquisite I would have kept my thoughts to myself.

But nigga she was absofuckingtabulous! Because there’s no better way to quickly express absolute fantastic fabulosity. She was the kind of girl who would make you use the phrase, ‘with all due RESPECT’ to full effect.

I quickly played out a conversation with her in my mind and it went something like this;

-          Hey, how about a faki?

-           Oh, you mean that Chinese soup?

-          Um, yeah…of course. Though I meant another kind of faki if you know what I mean?

-          Hahaha…you’re funny!

-          Yeah I get that a lot, and when I see you laugh like that I get filthy, filthy thoughts…

-          Oh really? Hihi! Tell me about it.

-          See, I know we’ve only just met and this might sound crazy but now that we have, can we make babies? Coz they’d look totally hot (pronounced ha’t)…

-          Oh, umm…that isn’t filthy. It’s okay-ish I guess. Haha!

-          Thank you for bejewelling me with glistening wonder. Shall we?

This is what happened in reality;

-          Hey, how about a ff--, fone number?

-          Wati?

-          Your er, phone number. Can I please have your phone number?

-          But I don’t have da phone here. It went off soda (so the) boy took to da shop to charge.

At this point her friend interjected;

-          You can use mine and put the number.

-          Oh, okay? (Thinks) Guess what? I can’t remember my number!

-          Then lemme give you mine.

-          Okay-ish, I guess.

I reluctantly handed over my phone and you’re probably wondering why. Her friend was like probably the worst representation of primate I ever seen. Even if this girl was wearing a ‘mount n dew me’ T-Shirt I would gladly pass up the opportunity. I wanted to ask her when they’re due because it was like the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world could tell she’s really fat.

But she could make a really good friend because she is REALLY styled up. Plus she has a swagger that could blow you away. We call each other all the time and she’s reading this.

The crux of this post is, “would you rather have a smoking hot daft babe/guy who has no sense of style whatsoever or a well-spoken, informed one who is totally decapitated in the looks department?”

Enjoy your mayhem