Apologies from a wiseacre's idle mind

It hit me this twilight that I am an annoying person. And the good news is I am ready to change all that. The bad news is that old habits die hard. Most times we walk around all day, talking shit and not giving a rat’s ass whether we are hurting people in the process. They say friends are like backyard gardens, we always promise to tend to them tomorrow but we never actually get around to it. Before long, they are eaten up by shrubs and you realize how really alone and fucked up you are. So, I’m taking this time out to nurture our friendship. It won’t be pretty though. Chances are that 70% of you will hate me after reading this. If it makes you squirm and feel more important that you are in this category I just want to let you know, you are as relevant as an impotent man’s opinion in a brothel.  The icing on the cake is that the rest of you will love me infinite times over…probably to death. Ay, don’t get suicidal. The feeling is not mutual – I would never kill myself for any of you.

Okay now that’s out of the way. Here are some apologies for some of the fucked up things I’ve done to y’all. Leggoo!

Um, if you hit some drums, shouted like Straka the MC at a Besigye rally after reading that last line, you are the shit.

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I am sorry that you wrote me a colorful letter back in primary school and instead of getting butterflies in my stomach, I got my ass in my mouth and reported you to principle. Who later found another colorful letter under your pillow, addressed to my best friend.

I am sorry I fell off a tree while we played and you tried to treat my broken hand with methylated spirit when I was taking a nap later that afternoon. You thought it wouldn’t hurt that much while I slept. I’m sorry I screamed like a bitch because it really hurt like a bitch. I’m sorry we were supposed to keep it a secret but mum walked in on me screaming and whipped us both with dad’s belt. I forgive you mum for not taking me to hospital after that.

I am sorry I stammered when they found us in that old truck. It made it seem like we were playing mummy and daddy when actually we just wanted to be around each other. I’m sorry your parents caned you for that and mine didn’t. Which makes me feel sorry that we didn’t play mummy and daddy in the first place.

I am sorry I intentionally threw one of your shoes in the pit latrine. I am sorry I giggled silently while you searched the whole dorm for it. I am sorry I couldn’t not fight back like the other kids you bullied.

I am sorry I was supposed to be your wing-man at the Form four social but I instead opted to escape from school, eat Rolexes and drink Waragi at the last minute. I am sorry you got turned down by every girl you asked for a dance. I am sorry I tried to make up for it at the leavers’ picnic but all I did was get really drunk and embarrass you by trying to dance with a girl thrice my size before it even clocked mid day.

I am sorry I choked so hard when you gave me my first stick of marijuana. It really freaked you out and we almost got caught. I’m sorry I called you the devil and that you should stay away from me. I’m sorry I didn’t make it to the karaoke later with you for our collabo (encore – jayz ft. linkin park) as planned. My karaoke career died that day. My marijuana career set off the next day with me stealing some of your hash…

I am sorry you thought you had shown me by standing me up. I am sorry I didn’t care less because I was too busy taking lessons on being nasty from a really nasty girl. I am sorry I got near raped by her while you called to cancel. I still miss you but I'm sorry my target is improving. I’m sorry when I didn’t pick you probably thought you’d ‘shown me’ when actually you’d missed out on your first threesome.

I am sorry I called you a bitch in the middle of the night. If there was a time in my life that I regret, it was the moments that led to that. I’m sorry that you had to send me out on the street without a dime. I’m sorry you still hate yourself for that because I could have died.

I am sorry your shoes were stolen when you came to visit. I am sorry I didn’t mind because the time I spent with you is ranked top five among the most amazing times of my life. I’m sorry I still think of it as ‘reasonable’ collateral damage. I hope the feeling is mutual…

I am sorry I ditched you in a bar and took your girlfriend out on the day that you broke up with her. Even though we both know I was just trying to help her come to terms with it. I’m glad she made me pay for it by stealing my wallet and phone later that night at Casablanca as a way of getting back at you.

I am sorry I flashed you the finger when the lecturer looked the other way. I know you were just trying to make it seem like the gibberish on the board wasn’t as nightmarish and Chinese as it seemed but the truth is – it was.

I am sorry I told everyone that you’re probably preggers because I was angry at you for flying out of the country without so much as a farewell. I am sorry you were actually preggers and everyone high-fived me for being such an excellent gossip. I’m sorry we’ve grown so apart that we can’t be facebook buddies and our enmity is shredding any chances I had with your younger sister.

To mum, I’m sorry for everything. I believe God was trying to decide whom He hated more, you or dad when you conceived me. I’m sorry you have to put up with my shit day in, day out. I’m glad God gave me to you because any other parent would have slit their wrists by the time I clocked 5 years. I love you to death.

Are there some things you’ve done to people around you that you’re sorry for? Please don’t be a dick, apologize.

And while you’re at it, apologize to me for thinking of leaving this blog without sharing this post or any post that you liked…