How To Unsuccessfully Break - up a Girl fight

MUK students have known nothing outside exams since this year started. As usual, during this period, emotions run pretty high. Those of us who know better (or are at least intoxicated enough to think we do), believe that ‘whatever got you to a situation will eventually get you through it’. Like if you’ve been praying all semester and it has got you to these Exams, then by all faith, praying will get you through them. So if you got here through cheating, guess what’s going to get you through it?

Exactly, cheating.

It is midnight. These girls, let’s call them Book & Boyfriend Club, are in the reading room (yeah, we have one of those) studying “hard”. I like to think that they’re thinking of how soon their boyfriends (read random guy) will come and do unspeakable things to them before the semester closes. I walk past the reading room, to some other girls’ room. Let’s call these other girls the Loud & Lesbian Club. These ones have egos the sizes of cathedrals and inflated senses of self entitlement.

Bring it, bitch!

I like the LL Club. They’re unpredictable, it’s like something is always about to go down. So I come in, the room is unusually quiet. This girl, I’ll call her Leticia for issues concerning bad memory. Leticia struts her sexy self to me and hugs me. She has a nice rack (or a nice push up bra) and she’s taller than me so my face is like all in her boobs and her butt is like those ends of Makindye (remember, unpredictable) and another girl touches my hand and a third girl comes up behind me and all I’m thinking is, “must be the new cologne.”

Nope, it wasn’t the new cologne.

These girls seduce their way through everything. Spell that again, E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. Like right now, Brenda is seducing the video lib guy to get us another season of Shameless.

They wanted to listen to music but “those bu local girls” - BBC -  had switched off current in the sockets and now they (LLC) were going to die because there was no music. “Arthur, sweetheart, you’re our Engineer. Put back the current for us pleeease?”

Duck faces

I was like, “babe, it is just a matter of flipping a switch. The boner isn’t exactly necessary.”

I turn them on and I walk to the balcony and light up a cigarette like the boss that I am. 

Then the lesbians start playing “music”. I’m talking about stuff that would make you feel like shooting people you don’t even know.

Within minutes – seconds really, I hear a barrage of obscenities flying all over the place. It was like a bunch of chattering monkeys were out on a day pass from the zoo. The Book babes accused the Lesbian babes of being lesbians. The Lesbians, in turn, accused the Book babes of being book babes.

Nothing sexier than a cat fight for sho

In a voice so clipped (it could make Hitler cry), the head of BBC shouted “You make the music loud so we can’t hear you moan and scream while you touch yourselves!”

“Well we all know you haven’t been touched in forever and you’re dry down there b*tch cobwebs are growing in your ****t. You p**sies, admit it and come and join us!” Leticia, whom I will now call Fifi for reasons to do with foul mouth, shouted back.

I’d been up for about 50 hours straight working on my final year project so the only thing on my mind was more cannabis and eating enough mairunji to keep me up for at least 18 more hours. I didn't "need this sh*t". 

But things got heated and this guy (we shall call him Fool for reasons involving low IQs and skinny jeans),  came out like;

IT WAS THAT NJAGGA BOY!!!

   

Nigga. Die.

I bummed out my cigarette and quickly walked downstairs – to the main switch – and I switched off everything, lights, sockets, everything. The whole place was wrapped in darkness. Then I walked back up and lit another cigarette like the boss that I am.

Quiet

When everyone had forgotten about me and the quiet got too loud, I went back and “switched on” the hostel.

I guess they all realized they were at the same level there was none better than the other. Everyone went about their business, music was low, people were reading and I was feeling a little less useless and clever. 

Then Fool let it slip that he’d seen me turning back the current. The Book Babes were horrified. The Lesbians were even worse because they felt betrayed. So they all turned on me, called me a “short, skinny, useless, drug abusing, impotent smoker.”

I just stood there…looking too silly to even smirk and yawning uncontrollably. 

Seriously, I don't need this

And then the landlord showed up – drunk – and I’m in the middle of it all and he waggles his finger at me and says, “gwe, are you an electronic?”

I said, “You mean an electrician?”

He said, “You’re not the boss of me! I want you out of my hostel tomorrow.”

As he staggered away, he paused, turned slowly and raised a hand, “No. don’t go. You still haven’t cleared my shs50000.”

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