I don't like visitors. They make me awkward. I can "be easy" if the visitor has, say, a 750ml Bond7 whiskey. In that case, we'll be BFFs for the next two hours or so.
After that, Adios! Later! Go Away! Bye!
No hard feelings...
Er, unless it's a girl and she's a visual orgasm numero uno - then we'll leave the hard feeling (or two) in some random rubber.
So, really, no hard feelings.
It is a pleasant afternoon, I'm trying to fix my dad's old Mitsubishi Pajero. One of the pistons isn't firing so I'm in overalls all greasy and everything, cranking up the engine like it's my third arm.
Then a fellow shows up. I don't care to look up. Because, you see,I left all my fucks in my other pair of jeans.
"Arthur, right? I can't believe this! I didn't know you come from this pocket of the country! Jesus (to mum), I know Arthur! I was with him at Nsibirwa--"
7. Mmmkay, if our acquaintance is somehow underscored by Nsibirwa Hall, Makerere University, you're a goon.
You fellas fired Oga, my only source of free cigarettes. How heartless! What happened to A.P.??
And you crap too much.
Y'all look like you've just visited the shitter all the time - all bored smiles and teary eyes. Heck, your toilets have dibbs on poop. They're the reason why all latrines around the country stink. Blaming your toilets for being filthy is like blaming Sevo for being president. Or Straka for being fat. It is fruitless.
6. It's 3pm and I'm bargaining with this hunger in my tummy to get on its best behavior and stay on the DL ..
With all the reefer on my head, that's like stifling a boner while watching Chinese teen porn. C'est absolument impossible.
So, when my mother, sweet woman that she is, offered you a 2nd helping, you were supposed to politely refuse. All 2nd helpings are pour moi - for me.
The hint was when I sucked my teeth and made one eye smaller. You clearly didn't get.
5. And by God, do you really really have to finish every last piece on the plate? Jesus, you have even eaten the pattern off that plate. This is supposed to be lunch, not a goddamn food convention.
Now what will my puppy eat?
Do you think he goes around doing random deeds of kindness? Food is his idea of a payday you goddamn mutt. Scheiß!
4. I hate 8-9pm because soap operas. They sound like taking a crap but through the nostrils. I think they rehearse and/or shoot the breathing part(s) separately.
But it's the only time I have to be with family. So sincerely, that Christian broadcast on Impact fm can wait.
It's not like Jesus is going anywhere or anything.
And he's playing it on speaker phone - those Chinese ones whose ringtones can be heard in the middle of a packed club.
I was like, "hey, buddy, you must be such a Christian. That's awesome. Here, have my earphones. This soap is really funny! Have you heard the way they breath..?"
3. "It's getting late, why don't you sleep over?" is my mother's idea of being nice. She doesn't really mean it. Even if she does, be a gent and bounce. You don't want to wake up and the whole place is crawling with bed-bugs and everyone is all, "I don't get it. These bugs showed up right about the same time that Red-Shirt dude slept over."
2. I've got abs - really nice ones. In fact, when NTV was doing that story on masturbation, I wanted to ask, "what if you don't watch porn and you have a fly ass babe (who can make her titties wink for real) and you honestly don't mean to jerk off but you step out the shower and you look at the mirror and gosh, it's so damn sexy..."
So you've got yourself some abs. We all have them, it's nothing special. So, beyond the 4 meters from the bathroom, don't walk around in a towel. What are you trying to do, bang our maid?
1. I just got the July/August collection of Chinese Teen Porn. Bring back my earphones.
Sincerely,
Me.
After that, Adios! Later! Go Away! Bye!
No hard feelings...
Er, unless it's a girl and she's a visual orgasm numero uno - then we'll leave the hard feeling (or two) in some random rubber.
So, really, no hard feelings.
It is a pleasant afternoon, I'm trying to fix my dad's old Mitsubishi Pajero. One of the pistons isn't firing so I'm in overalls all greasy and everything, cranking up the engine like it's my third arm.
Then a fellow shows up. I don't care to look up. Because, you see,I left all my fucks in my other pair of jeans.
"Arthur, right? I can't believe this! I didn't know you come from this pocket of the country! Jesus (to mum), I know Arthur! I was with him at Nsibirwa--"
7. Mmmkay, if our acquaintance is somehow underscored by Nsibirwa Hall, Makerere University, you're a goon.
You fellas fired Oga, my only source of free cigarettes. How heartless! What happened to A.P.??
And you crap too much.
Y'all look like you've just visited the shitter all the time - all bored smiles and teary eyes. Heck, your toilets have dibbs on poop. They're the reason why all latrines around the country stink. Blaming your toilets for being filthy is like blaming Sevo for being president. Or Straka for being fat. It is fruitless.
6. It's 3pm and I'm bargaining with this hunger in my tummy to get on its best behavior and stay on the DL ..
With all the reefer on my head, that's like stifling a boner while watching Chinese teen porn. C'est absolument impossible.
So, when my mother, sweet woman that she is, offered you a 2nd helping, you were supposed to politely refuse. All 2nd helpings are pour moi - for me.
The hint was when I sucked my teeth and made one eye smaller. You clearly didn't get.
5. And by God, do you really really have to finish every last piece on the plate? Jesus, you have even eaten the pattern off that plate. This is supposed to be lunch, not a goddamn food convention.
Now what will my puppy eat?
Do you think he goes around doing random deeds of kindness? Food is his idea of a payday you goddamn mutt. Scheiß!
4. I hate 8-9pm because soap operas. They sound like taking a crap but through the nostrils. I think they rehearse and/or shoot the breathing part(s) separately.
But it's the only time I have to be with family. So sincerely, that Christian broadcast on Impact fm can wait.
It's not like Jesus is going anywhere or anything.
And he's playing it on speaker phone - those Chinese ones whose ringtones can be heard in the middle of a packed club.
I was like, "hey, buddy, you must be such a Christian. That's awesome. Here, have my earphones. This soap is really funny! Have you heard the way they breath..?"
3. "It's getting late, why don't you sleep over?" is my mother's idea of being nice. She doesn't really mean it. Even if she does, be a gent and bounce. You don't want to wake up and the whole place is crawling with bed-bugs and everyone is all, "I don't get it. These bugs showed up right about the same time that Red-Shirt dude slept over."
2. I've got abs - really nice ones. In fact, when NTV was doing that story on masturbation, I wanted to ask, "what if you don't watch porn and you have a fly ass babe (who can make her titties wink for real) and you honestly don't mean to jerk off but you step out the shower and you look at the mirror and gosh, it's so damn sexy..."
So you've got yourself some abs. We all have them, it's nothing special. So, beyond the 4 meters from the bathroom, don't walk around in a towel. What are you trying to do, bang our maid?
1. I just got the July/August collection of Chinese Teen Porn. Bring back my earphones.
Sincerely,
Me.
posted from Bloggeroid
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