How to Quit that Addiction

Do you ever wake up at 3 in the morning and all you want is a drag on a cigarette, or a sip on vodka? Would you rather spend your last dime on a little hash even when you’ve had nothing to eat in two days? Do you ever say stuff like, “oh, I still have that headache from last Sunday. Shit, I need a beer. NOW!”

You need pain killers and a shrink you degenerate imbecile.

The thing is; with that kind of lifestyle and a poor diet, you end up becoming a skinny red-eyed shrimp who is never sure whether (s)he’s sick, hangover or drunk. Kinda like Wiz Khalifa - who apparently won the Hightimes Stoner of the Year Award not so long ago. Which means you could also start a career of heights if you want (who doesn’t?). 

And then get Snoop Dogg to be the godfather of the unborn baby that your bald girlfriend is carrying around. 

However, the sixty four thousand dollar question is, Do you want to quit that addiction before 2013?

Quitting starts with accepting that you have a problem, but to some it might not hit them like it is a problem at all! 

I mean, when I smoke weed, I solve like half the global problems in my head and within record time! Who would want to let go of that?

So, let us break open this condom, shall we?

Let us say you’re the perfect person. You don’t drink, you don’t smoke, you’re friends with all your lecturers, you tuck your mum in to sleep (I actually do that) and you jack off say, three times a week. Basically, it is a pretty normal life. It is also pretty boring. But I know you prefer boring, so let me walk you through how most addictions start so that you can bore you way around it to old age and retarded kids. They’ll probably be methamphetamine addicts because…well, talent skips a generation.

It all starts with boredom. At this point, if you are into sports or singing or any of that talent bull-waste…you might skip this part. I don’t have any of those – I think it’s God’s own special way of saying, “you will smoke that cigarette now, won’t you?”  

Then the loneliness sets in, this is like the critical point. You’ll want to get a girl to fill this void but you’re into PlayStation and she’s green. Oh, wanna hear a joke? Hand her that game pad.

 

She’ll look as bleak as a 14^th Century virgin with a handful of d*ck. She doesn’t know whether to shake it, press it, keep it for later or eat it. Um…I think that last one sounds rather perverted.

Anyway, at this point you’ll bump into someone who actually pushes that PlayStation like he invented the damn thing. However, after a day or two, you realize you actually have nothing in common with this person besides video games. Here’s the twist, your new friend happens to smoke half a cigarette every day. To get closer to this person, you feel you should too. So, you decide to each smoke a cigarette every day. Except (s)he smokes it for mischief and rebellion. On the other hand, you feel like the sole reason you were created was to smoke. You sneak a few extra cigarettes after lights out alone – everyday.

Soon, your buddy decides they don’t want anything to do with you because your room always smells like cigarettes and there are never any coins on the dresser because you need to feed your 20cigarettes-a-day addiction.

Then the depression sets in. Now you’re bored, alone and depressed and you look like this.

You seek out company from that shop attendant whom you suspect to be a smoker. He don’t speak English straight but laughs at every joke you crack. You think, “this guy is okay.”

But the shop attendant isn’t much of a cigarette smoker either. He’s into the real shit. He vigorously assures you that cigarettes will blacken your lungs and make you impotent but not the real shit.

I’m talking Marijuana.

By the way, I just googled that; weed doesn’t cause lung cancer. I’m hoping that’s of use to the (future) addict reading this.

Personally, I think that first time was the most terrifying. And it will terrify you too. Everything seems to move slower. The details become more vivid. Stuff is like so fucking REAL and it will freak you the fuck out. The fright turns into anxiety; your heart beats twice as fast as you remember. But not to worry, you might feel like things are exceedingly amiss when the paranoia kicks in but everything is actually perfectly normal. It is just the weed messing with you. For the record that first high is like the highest. Trust me however much you smoke hash after that, you’ll never get that first high…

EVER

You'll just be like

Before you know it, the person who got you that first hit will want to become BFFs but you’ll want to avoid them for the rest of your life. This is the part where you’re supposed to run. You’ll hear all sorts of niceties about that purple and you’ll want to try it out one last time.

The moment you do that second hit, you’ll realize stuff isn’t as nightmarish as it seems. You are in charge of your shit so you take time to take in your surroundings. The music will particularly sound cooler than usual. All the lyrics seem written specifically for you. Even if it is some incomprehensible urban reggae song where the only words you can pick are “Do Sumn! Do Sumn!” You’ll have this inexplicable calm like nothing is really that important. All of a sudden that bitch you obsess about isn’t all that after all. You take more hits and life just becomes a slow, sweet drag. You don’t realize the days go by because life becomes one hula-hoop of highs and lows. The swag is natural, friends come easy and everything is one big movie where you’re the star.

Congratulations…you just entered the competition for next year’s Stoner of the Year award.

Initially this article was intended for those who want to quit but sadly, the writer has failed to quit so get high more, get fly more and maybe you’ll find me where I’ve always been – the sky.