Threesome? Just a Wink Away…

I don’t date. Mostly because I make some of the most unrealistic, most mind blowing first impressions, you’ll ever know. It’s impossible to live up to that shit. In my freshman year I told some babe that I’m a finalist, I own a ride and I’m a notorious club-hopper. Plus, like Big Sean I’ve got ‘a wallet that look something like a Bible.’ And yet I was bleak about almost everything. I promised I’d take her to Steak Out for our first date. She accepted.

I had no idea where the fuck Steak Out was.

D-day and the ride was nowhere to be seen. Suddenly my ‘home boys’ had to borrow it for a party in Ebbz. Surprisingly she didn’t mind. I swear to God when I came to campus I thought if you had no ride, your chances of ‘getting some’ were zippo. Arm-in-arm, we got a boda-b and I’ve no clue where that nigger took us but it was definitely not Steak Out. Because I later became a regular and I’m currently serving a ban for breaking a bottle on someone’s head. I ordered the usual crap, Smirnoff for the babe, (Arthur) Guinness for the don. It was a fun night none-the-less. She was nice, I was funny and we kissed on that first date.

Then broke up three weeks later

Because the relationship was baseless as she didn’t know a thing about me. See, at the start of a relationship everything is rosy. There’s this confusing, alluring person you want to always hold hands with. Like for some reason, every time you’re with them, you just want to get naked. It’s a stage where you’re forever slightly bonkers with lust. And then the lies start creeping up, everything gets dull and all of a sudden you wonder why you signed up for the shit.

Wait. That wasn’t even what I wanted to talk about. I’m just free styling on this post so if I somehow don’t leave a mark, I’m sorry. I slept sober last night and I was locked outside my room.

There was a girl I wanted to impress. Vanessa smoked weed and drunk more than any girl I know. She didn’t do Smirnoff. Get a Guinness motherfucker. I was in love—like official! So, what did I do?

I threw a drink up.

It was holiday time. My sister was travelling up country for the weekend with her family (er, our family, my family…whatever) so we had the whole apartment to ourselves. The arrangements were a little hasty and fortunately or unfortunately, most people didn’t show because Najjera is way out of the city center. In the end there was me, my two home boys, and Vanessa who had been thoughtful enough to bring along a friend, Angela.

There was too much booze and we soon forgot that we were only five. We turned up the volume and drunk ourselves silly. Angela and I went to the kitchen to fry some chicken while my boys and Vanessa stayed in the living room and daggered. Of course I soon forgot my chemistry with Vanessa. It was partially because of the liquor but largely because Angela gave me ‘the look.’ You know ‘the look’ right? It’s like sex, except that it is done with eyes. Sort of like eye-banging but more brief. Tables had turned.

I wanted Angela.

We successfully managed to burn the chicken since we were so busy eye-banging the whole time. We all sat out on the couch, smoked cigarettes and made bad sex jokes. It was an awesome night! One of my boys got into an argument with Vanessa (who was, for some reason really drunk already). He left in a huff. The other dude also left because his mum thought it was horrible for him to be out at such an un-godly hour.

In the end, it was just Vanessa (who passed out), Angela and me on the couch watching the stars. I decided to make my move. She just smiled and shook her head. I frowned and made that priceless hurt face of mine that always gets me out of situations. She looked at Vanessa warily. I shrugged and whispered;

-          Don’t worry, she’s asleep

-          Yeah I know! But I just…can’t.

-          Why would you say that?

-          You wouldn’t understand…just chill.

-          Try me…

-          Well, the thing is…Vanessa and I are kind of—

-          --what?

-          We’re together, if you know what I mean…

-          Oh! Like seriously? Angela, there are easier ways to tell a brother he won’t be getting any.

-          Like seriously.

-          Okay, that’s cool. I don’t mind being a lesbian for a few hours.

-          Hahahaha! You don’t give up, do you?

-          Does that mean it’s cool?

At this point Vanessa raised her head and said groggily;

-          Look, if you guys want to make out just do it. Just keep it down I’m trying to fucking sleep.

And that was all we did. No sex.

I woke up in the morning hangover and feeling like a loser. I mean who the fuck sleeps with two girls and doesn’t get dissolute with any? The whole place was a mess. Cigarette butts where littered all over the floor and the front lawn. There was nothing in the fridge. I was broke. My sister was coming back at any moment. I just picked up a bottle of beer that had been left over and slotted the Scarface DVD in the PlayStation. As I was busy killing people and widening my Al Pacino drug empire, the girls were in the shower probably getting licentious with each other. I was trying (unsuccessfully) not to conjure images in my mind on what was going on in that shower.

Then Vanessa called out;

-          Hey Arthur, get us a towel!

*wink*

Merry Christmas! Checkmate! Finito! Eureka! Or whatever the fuck you want to call it. I was up in a heartbeat and like Lil’ Wayne, I was going IN!

…

Now what’s going on in that smutty head of yours? You think I didn’t do it. Well, you don’t have to be so despondent because you’ve never gone through that whole breakfast-in-bed, sex-in-the-bathroom thing. And do you want to know why? Because I haven’t either—

Having a threesome is still on my campus to-do bucket list.