A Back-up Eulogy for Paddy "Bitama" Ssali

Dearly Beloved,

We are gathered here, at this center of arts (National Theatre) to pay tribute to a great, honest, down to dirt gentleman.   

He could have made a fine President some day. For someone who appreciates the art of laughter, I found (still do) his comedy heartwarming. Paddy “Bitama” Ssali was translated to heaven on Saturday –

No. I’m too bore down with this mountainous weight of despair to continue the Eulogy. So I’ll speak from the heart.

*Throws away intended Eulogy*

I think God played an unfunny joke on us. How do you create a vacancy without nominating a successor? I mean, look at all you useless, unemployed, homosexual – hating drunkards. 

Just. See yourselves.

The whole bunch o y’all can’t even wrap your nuts around the definition of a knock – knock joke. He was one in a – oba what’s the population of this dump of a country? He was one in a lot of millions.

By the way, do you know that if you die in Uganda, you die in real life? 

Now, before you start feeling the need to “give me some good talking to”, I just want you to know that I’m sad – and pissed – so sad, in fact, that this post is being accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium, from the eyes. 

But...whyyyy??!

The same stuff that flowed each time I watched a clip from Amarula Family – but with less snort. And less bodies.

Paddy was so funny, he even played us jokes on his death bed. Who gets announced dead three times? There’s only one thing that’s worse than being declared dead – being declared dead twice, and then dying, and being declared dead all over again. I’m not even sure whether to cry or laugh so I'll just...take a hug.

You'll be fine...I promise

There’s a quote from an old play that kinda fits that. It goes, “whether on the gallows high, or where blood flows the reddest, the noblest place for a noble man to die, is where he died the deadest.” – Old Play.

After the noble man “died” the second time, a bunch of idiots who spend most of their free time meditating on the vices of idleness, tagged themselves as “close family” and went to Facebook and wrote popularity posts, demanding “TYPE AMEN”, “COMMENT”, “SHARE” because “we don’t have the money to cash the good ol’ man’s bills.”

Well, if you really cared, why didn’t you just not buy a data bundle and send that shs500 to the real family? It would have meant much more than those silly comments that are dumber than bucketfuls of spit and just as useless. And in such cringingly awful spellings too – seriously, how can you misspell “R.I.P.”???

By the way, the Vatican called, the whole bunch of you colloquial assholes are going to hell – right after the Pope himself kicks you in the dangly bits.

Time for absolution ma nigga!!!

I’d intended for this post to be a sort of back-up eulogy or a revised and edited version of a sinner but whaddayaknow, look how it all turned out.

Sighs.

Anyway, may we all to stop whatever it is we’re doing right now and have a moment of silence – or in more blunt terms – to shut up – and feel the weight of this troubled nation’s loss.

MOMENT OF SILENCE

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Rest In Peace, Paddy Ssali Bitama.

Hope you fill up the Heavens with Much Laughter. And if it isn’t much to ask, please tell God to deliver us from the Homo bill, the Skirt bill. And Facebook.   

Amen. 

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