I'm A People Pleaser!

You know how every year you declare that you are officially the one? That nothing can stop you any more, that you won’t repeat the mistakes you made last year? If you do, then you also know that it is all a waste of time because at this exact time last year you claimed you were such a loser the previous year. This is why I don’t make resolutions. (Well, save for the one where I should remember to write 2013 instead of 2012.) You decide to get rid of that old pair of sneakers this year but it is 5th Jan, and you’re still trekking in them. You tell yourself, I’m only wearing them for shopping.

Mature that shit up.

I don’t have some of the reigns to my life because (and I hate it) I’m a people pleaser. I do things to make the people around me feel like they are not as worthless as they are. 

And trust me, most times they are the biggest douche bags and douchebaguettes prowling the planet. Here are some of things I’ll do to make you feel good about yourself;

·         I’ll go with you to Mama’s Bar which sells hard Waragi and we’ll push that drink till we blackout. If you cause a fracas, I’ll be by your side and scream for your rights to talk nonsense in anyone’s face. You will however be on your own if it escalates into a physical fight.

Because I’ll hide under the pool table with my drink and dial one of these random numbers I keep getting from girls. I’ll sound like such a badass when I say, “Hey, can I call you back in about 15 minutes? I’m like in the middle of this fight at some bar…” and she’ll think he’s definitely a keeper.

·         I’ll have one beer less every week so that I can save up to buy you that pizza you told me you liked. This might take all semester and since you seem like a principled girl, you’ll think I’m a selfish, lying bimbo like all the guys you’ve dated. I won’t whine about the fact that personally, I’ve never tasted pizza (I can’t even pronounce that shit). I’ll break my piggy bank and take the first rugged bitch I meet for mulokonyi so she can feel…special.

Whatever that means

·         We’ll talk politics into the night so that you can feel like your son isn’t a complete self centered nut sack and I’ll argue to death that the late Hon. Nebandawas in fact on drugs. When we come down to facts, you’ll realize that I’ve been repeating the last two words of your arguments the whole time and shouting, “dad, she was definitely on crack!”

·         I’ll hang with your girlfriends and pretend to be interested in all the ooh’s and aah’s when in fact the only reason I’m in your room is because I thought you’d be alone. You aren’t very presentable but I’m in ‘injury time’ and I was thinking we’d have sex one last time so I can split.  

I don’t know why you’ve deliberately refused to understand the value of break-up sex.

·         When you need a wingman, I’ll be the nerd and make you look like Moto Moto from thatMadagascar animation. We’ve proven time and again that your game is blunt since your pick up line is always an offer of “all night long mind blowing, deafening sex that will leave your voice hoarse and not walking quite right in the morning.”

Like all the other girls, she’ll turn you down with that eww thing that 21^st Century babes are so into and tell you to learn how to treat a lady. I’ll tell her, “Fine, have you seen one?” We’ll then laugh at her in the hopes that she hasn’t noticed it is a line from Vampire Diaries.

If she does, we’ll resort to komanyoko and other locally unacceptable vulgarities.

·         On one of our drinking sprees, I might get arrested for shouting at a patrol cop and you’ll try to plead my case. You’ll try to explain that we have no crime unless being drunk is a crime. This will not work since the Ugandan Police considers that resisting arrest and threatening to over throw the government. They’ll gladly arrest you.

Unfortunately, I’ll do a runner at the last minute and you’ll enter the cooler alone. You might feel betrayed but someone has to come back and bail your sorry ass out. I might be successful if I don’t laugh my head off because the charge of Rogue and Vagabond fits you like a glove and I find that so damn hilarious!

·         I’ll hold that stick of hash for you when your mum calls. You love her so much and you feel it is improper to talk to her while doing drugs. The fact that she’s a thousand miles away doesn’t deter you to think otherwise. I understand that perfectly so when she called the other day, I didn’t get why you kept holding on to the weed so I said,

“Ay, dickhead that is your mother you’re talking to. Pass the freakin weed!”

I have quite the voice so I’m sorry that came out louder than expected and you had a lot of explaining to do. Although you could have simply said, “Mum, radio presenters this side are fuckincrazy.”

·         I’ll pretend to listen when you talk about how you’re so updated on the goings on of the music industry. Even when I consider most of the new music completely trashy or as my grandpa put it, “a more painful and heart breaking experience than battling lung cancer. I’d rather shoot myself in the fuckin head.” Luckily, the cancer got to him before the music…R.I.P.

You’ll be saying stuff like, “Man, Konshens has new song with Dario. It is too bad! Have you checked out the video? You should check out the video man…you have no idea what you’re missing out on. There are REAL NAKED BABES!”

I am a proud owner of the widest collection of pornos (you should check ‘em out) so I don’t get why I’d look for naked girls in a 4 minute video clip but I’ll probably say, “You are messing with me, right? Are they really completely naked? That’s crazy man! I’ve to check out those naked babes like for sho!”

·         The last I remember, we were broken up. However when I got back in the neighborhood I got lonely and started drunk dialing you. You accepted my apologies and jumped in bed with me at the first chance (it might have been the other way round though). We had the best sex ever and then you broke up with me all over again so that you can show me how bad it felt to be rejected. I couldn’t deny you the satisfaction of vengeance so I’ll try to get you back. I ask you why you’re acting like a lil bitch and you say, “Did you really think you’d come, fuck me and we’d get back together? It is not going to happen and trust me you’ll never get this type of ***** from any of your skanks, ever!”

But we both know, after all my year round wanderings and escapades, I’ll show up at exactly this time next year and we’ll do it all over again because I know you aren’t getting this type of d*ck from that local dude.

Wait, is that –? Oh My God, is that from a rap song?

Yes, it is in fact a line from that Kanye thing. That technically means I’m out of stuff to write.

          Yours in Lunacy,

          Me.

In my lonely wanders across the internets (as my mum calls it), I was clicking my way through the Blogosphere and I bumped into some really great blogs. And they are as Ugandan as thatrolex you’re choking on! No way! Where have these guys been hiding? Anyways, you should check out this one, and this one and my personal favorite, this one. I doubt this one is Ugandan because her name has so many K’s (I think she’sKenyan) but she has awesome fashion sense. There’s this Nigerian whose blog caught my attention because it is called Kush Chronicles.

Have a blast!