We do a lot of Things. Love is not one of ‘em, you feel me?

Okay, I lied. My heart is in my pants so feel free to fall in love.

A few months ago, my friend Freddie introduced me to her friend *insert name here*. Facebook requests were sent, numbers were swapped and Whatsapp messages started flying back and forth…blah blah blah, you know the drill. I had no intentions whatsoever of sleeping with her – at all.  

But as always, Vodka happened.

You must sleep around a lot

The three of us linked up in Kansanga – it was the second time I was seeing my new friend. We drank a lot that night. At some point, we bumped into Bizo, my future Alcoholics Anonymous session mate. He bought us booze, let me touch his girlfriend and invited us to crash at his place.

There were only two beds in the room. Bizo crashed with Freddie and I crashed with her friend. A few inappropriate touches led to some really amazing fellatio. I’d noticed she’s rather calm and quiet in character. So I didn’t introduce my Jimmy to her Jenny because we all know the quiet ones are screamers.

We left it at that.

In the morning, Bizo woke us up with Leading Waragi. We spent the whole Sunday drinking, playing cards and smoking cigarettes. By lunch time, I was drunk enough to let her blow my wang’s imagination away one more time. She did it four times – once in the john.

I'm not sure if it was some sort of World BlowJob Day but she just kept going at it like;

At around 7pm, she told me that she had to leave. I told her it would be selfish and unfair of me to get blown by a babe and not return the favor. So we left the party and went to my place and Jenny was introduced to Jimmy.

When I woke up in the morning, I took a really good look at her. I didn’t know a thing about this girl. For the first time, I noticed that she was like four times my size, I noticed her tomboy character. I realized that if there ever was a relationship between us, I would be the bitch. I had intended for it to be a hit and run but I was scared that if I told her, things might go south and she would beat the living crap out of a brother.

Now the rule is, More Sex = No Death. Okay?

So I decided to play it out a little longer. I hoped that we’d interact and I’d know something about her that doesn’t entirely involve procreation ammo and alcohol. She turned out to be nice. I found out she was kind, generous (four blowjobs, duh) and temperate. The best news was that she wouldn’t, in a million years, thump me even if I said the barmiest shit.

After semester closed, I travelled back to Mbale. We kept in contact. I jokingly told Freddie to come see me out here. I didn’t think she would show up but lemme tell you something.

Freddie.is.one.Kukuss.bitch

She came with my chubby friend and her girlfriend.

I was broke, as always. I called up my hommie Jef and told him that I was stuck with two lesbians and another big girl who might or might not also be a lesbian. He checked us into a room at his motel and got us a Uganda Waragi.

It was a fun night. We went to club. Freddie introduced my chubby friend as “Arthur’s girlfriend” and I played along. I couldn’t help noticing the wry smiles that my hommies threw at me and my brand new “girlfriend”. I don’t know how to paint this picture – me all scrawny looking and skinny and everything and a gargantuan babe by my side. Just know there was something awfully wrong with that picture.

I loved the attention though.

After tipping back a few,  my mind was working along the lines of;

Also, Freddie’s girlfriend was "kinda tired". So I took the girls back to the motel. We left Freddie trying to talk Jef into donating some sperm to her because she thinks he is just so handsome.

I had earlier intended to tactfully break things off with this babe because we were just not compatible. Like I really enjoyed her company and everything but I am way too small. I didn’t want to lead her on when I knew that I didn’t feel that way you know. Bitches have done that shit to me many times before and it hurts like a bitch. A girl leads you on and just when you think you’ve got a thing going, she tells you that you listen to whack music and your dong looks funny and ‘go fuck yourself you fuckin feral broke ass clown’.

But I couldn’t just break up with someone who had travelled more than 300 friggin kilometers to see me. I had to have sex with her like the good host that I am. So I’m on this titanic bed with Freddie’s girl on one side and my girl on the other. I start making out with my girl and things get a little heated and we realize (with overwhelming disappointment) that Freddie’s girl won’t join us.

Things I pray I'll never have to say >>

Newton must've wrote a rule against saying that shit

We shift the party to the bathroom. 

I don’t know what happened in that bathroom but Jef tells me that the toilet needs to be repaired.

I think break-up sex that runs along the lines of a broken toilet is more than most people get. I hope she reads this. I hope she understands. The fact that our whole relationship can be put in less than 1000 words is proof that we can’t be together.

The worst thing about this break-up is that I now have no one to think of when I masturbate. She had mad skills yo.

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Yours,
Drug Addled Poindexter. I put the E.R. in Nerd.