How to deal with getting stood up

If you are my age, whether you are male or female or in between (heard it’s possible), you must have been stood up at least once or twice before. Unless you are very likeable which is boring or a virgin or simply high on weed all the time which I kind of recommend for the virgins...whatever, it should have happened or might happen right after you read this article.

I’ve stood up people, not that I’m proud of it but it’s only fair because I can’t even start to count the number of times I’ve gone through the agony of watching the phone and wondering if there is problem with network or some other issue that stood up losers come up with to avoid going suicidal. I think I’m getting used to it you know, mastering the art of dealing with stand ups. Pshh, who am I kidding? It’s impossible. Actually I’m writing this while waiting for a girl who was supposed to be here 4 hours ago…I’m wondering what to do with these condoms I just bought.

Guess I’ll try to trade them for some marijuana from my dealer.

Anyway, I think I have enough experience on getting stood up to make you, the person reading and waiting feel anything but what you are, a loser. Well, at least for the next few hours or so.

There was one girl who stood me up and made all the others look like child play. At times when I go back down memory lane to that fateful Saturday, I chuckle silently and light another cigarette. Sandra is like an eight on ten.

 I met her on Facebook.

Yeah, it seems all fateful stories start with that particular phrase. So we sort of hit it off, she was sweet, I was flirty…well maybe too flirty but she sort of caught on real quick. My game is on point so I wasn’t surprised when she suggested coming over later since she was in Ntinda and I was around Najjera. After waiting and writing her off, she finally showed up around 9pm, looking extremely stunning. A couple of boys were over, pushing FIFA on Playstation so she caused quite a stir. However this rendezvous is interrupted by my big sister who kind of makes her nervous. She suggests that maybe she would come back at a later time when I was ‘alone’ and I love the idea.

I should have been more cautious to know that girls who do blind dates and show up on strangers’ door steps at 9pm on a week night are not the kind of people you want to get tangled with.

I call her up a day or two later and ask her when she’s free to come over.

“What is there to look forward to?” she asks.

“Oh, um everything, what would you like?” I brag. “Anything really, the fridge has just been restocked.”

“Haha… really? What would I want from the fridge, I don’t do beers…”

“Okay, what do you do?” I like where this is going.

“Um, spirits basically, a girl has to keep in shape y’know. Like Gilbeys, Ug Waragi…yeah.”

“Cool, I happen to have a couple of Ug’s if you’re interested.” Should I mention they were not there at that moment? Well, they weren’t.

“Great. I’m free this Saturday, so I guess we’ll celebrate.”

“Celebrate what?” Er, dumb question, I think.

“Us, of course…” she hangs up.

I would like to mention at this point that most of what happened later that Saturday is quite a blur in my memory. I got two Ug’s (big size), cooked some rice, chicken, greens. I’m quite the cook btw. I then let my brother-in-law know that I needed the house to myself for the evening and he drove off with my sister. I waited for the fateful phone call in vain. Just when I was about to give up, she calls and tells me that she is just tied up with something small for a bit but she would be arriving in about thirty minutes and that I should start without her.

Which I did

No, I didn't jack-off you huckster!

I put some rock on the record, got the Scarface PS2 game and opened up the first Ug. That’s the last I remember.  I woke up in the bath tub the next morning-an empty bottle in my grip…

Ok, maybe she came… maybe she didn’t…I just don’t remember.

Next time you are about to get stood up, grab a beer. When a friend of mine told me over a beer in a bar that he was banging her that same night, I ordered us more drinks.