Don't deny it. Every once in a while, you've felt like uttering the rudest crap in your miniature mental vocabulary to that one really nice person.

You know those kinds of people who are excellent at multi-tasking? As in they can do nothing wrong and stay in your face-at the same time! You politely cuss and their face goes like someone just literally took a dump in their mouth.

Or maybe you're the nice kind who can't stand that immoral bastard who has deliberately refused to compliment your purple leggings which match your (oversize, 2nd hand) high heeled niiginas.

The scoundrel!

Either way, we've all wished we could tell someone off in the most inanely inhuman manner. I had to travel to K'la to take care of business...ok, not exactly business. Just a coupla free pints. Now I'd watched on my neighbour's 14" TV set that Ebola had reached K'la so I packed a Face Mask for the following reasons;

- to look cool like a ninja
- to appear sophisticated and gangster
- it felt stylish
- to somehow get caught on camera for being er, sensible
- to stick my tongue out at people and not get caught/beaten
- I'd been playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
- to make it less obvious that I'd been drinking vodka all morning

Last and definately least;

- to avoid catching Ebola

I jumped in a taxi sweating profusely and breathing heavily. The light skinned woman sitting at the window, next to me, instinctively turned away.
I had not entirely intended to put on my Face Mask at least until i reached K'la but I don't take rejection, however slight, lightly. I looked at everyone around and noisily pulled out my Face Mask making sure that everyone noticed, in detail that I was putting it on. And that they were all to blame for it.

For some benign reason miss stay-the-heck-away-from-me suddenly got jittery and sneered. I smiled but of course this could not be seen as I looked at her with this look of;

"the fuck you lookin at woman? Ebola could also be caused by eye-banging!"

Who knows? I could be right. I mean research is still going on...tests and a bunch of other scientific stuff that you'd understand after my course in arabic.
Which I rather hate.

The woman looked away and boy did I feel awesome! I mean she tried to ignore the awesomest and look who's all uncomfortable and sweaty now-not me!

This experience just fuelled my rude-o-meter. I reached K'la and I idled along Jja road secretly hoping for some papparazzi to show up. All I attracted were strange looks which spelt something like;

W.E.I.R.D.O.

I sought refuge in some home boy's phone repair shop and after exchanging what's ups and wagwans at arm's length he offers me a hand shake. I raised my eye brows like;

"dude, seriously? I'm putting on a Face Mask! Now get your Ebola laden self away from me you freakin dummy!"

It was generally agreed that it was not a very brilliant joke as he didn't take it well but come to think of it I could have said something like;

"Ay Dawg, you look like monkey conceived in a bat cave and I've strict instructions from gavo to abhor, abscond, avoid your kind."

To the girls, throw your legs in the air like you just don't care! No...not the one nighters. Your legs get around quite a lot and I'm sure they could use a break. The hard to getters are more suited to benefit from this Ebola fracas. I mean we could all use a break from that recurrent it's-that-period-of-the-month bullshit excuse. Get your pen and pad (er, writing pad) for some notes from the amateur. Because I don't take pride in this shit.

Lets say you're seated at table in a cozy restaurant. Now everytime a joke is cracked and he laughs, quickly reach for a handkerchief to cover your nose and look away.

Ebola, my darling...

When he tries to say, touch you-give him that "eww" face.

Kale those Ebola things. Arrgh!

However, if he offers you transport money, do that "naye naawe" thing and grab it. Fast.

Ebola doesn't catch money.

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