Stephen Kiprotich and
fellow Olympian Michael Phelps will be heading back to prison in the aftermath
of the recently concluded Olympics. The only difference besides being on
different continents is that Kiprotich will be going back as a boss whereas,
multi-gold medallist Michael Phelps will be caged-like a dolphin, if he isn’t
already. Kip as he’s commonly known is rumoured to be the next awe-inspiring
thing since Kylee Hodgson gave birth to twins-one black, one white in 2005.
Kiprotich, whose name
I misspelt in an earlier post as Kiprotech(which sounds a lot cooler if you ask
me) won a Gold Medal in the recently concluded Olympics. You probably already
know that unless your name is Geoffrey Kazinda. What you and (I’m sure)
Kiprotich don’t know is that the medal is actually 92.5% silver plated with 6g
of gold. But that’s no reason to ruin the fun since the bronze medal is mainly
copper with some tin and zinc and is worth about $3 on the market. I get bored
pretty easy so when I woke up this morning to hear Kiprotich all over the
stereo, I badly wanted to shut it off. It’s like when Call Me Maybe comes on,
you all like OMG not again then seconds later you’re all like “I THREW A WISH
IN THE WELL, DON’T ASK ME I’LL NEVER TELL…” It’s the kind of thing you just
can’t get enough of.
Kiprotich jetted into
the country early this morning to be met with thousands of happy toothless
Sebei people. A Jessica Alepo and company entourage were also present to take
credit for this great jambalaya. Well, they say life is a lot like toilet
paper, you’re either on a roll or you’re taking crap from some asshole and boy,
is Kiprotich on a roll! He was chauffeured to meet the (still) president of
Uganda, M7. Despite missing work for more than a month, he has already been
promoted to Deputy Superintendent at the prisons. Trust Ugandans to award shit
on credit. That he can now effectively run after prisoners who attempt to
escape. No worries; since it appears like everyone is all in a snit over this
athlete. Me exclusive of course but I give the lad (is he really 23?) respect
for staying calm amidst all the ululations. Have you taken time to ponder what
would be happening if Golola Moses was the one receiving all this praise?
It would be like Word
War 1 in those mandibles I tell you. Most of the media cameras and recorders
would now be soaked in broken-English spit with all his claptrap.
As a contrast,
Kiprotich is just grinning meaninglessly and flashing his ‘gold’ medal which
makes me think that he’s probably suffering from mephobia. This is the fear of
becoming so awesome that the human race can’t handle it and everyone dies.
Michael Phelps, on the
other end was not going through the luxury of meeting with his Head of State
Barrack Obama. Barrack is too busy pursuing a career in stand-up comedy and
will not be bothered with the nitty-gritty of all this Olympic she-bang. But
even if Barrack was willing to meet the fourteen time Olympic gold medallist,
it would be utterly impossible since he (Phelps) was recaptured and incarcerated.
Yes, caged like Black. I meant Bad Black but I just don’t think she deserves
coolness that comes with being called Bad any more.
Following Phelps’
final Olympic event, he was recaptured by trainer Bob Bowman in a hoop net
baited with an entire Dutch apple pie then he was tethered to the rudder of a
container ship bound for St. Petersburg, guided down local waterways, and introduced
back into his cage-which is a tank in SeaWorld’s 5,500 seat stadium. SeaWorld
is some sort of amusement park or something in Orlando…I think. Phelps, like
most Olympians has an odd (stupid) day job. His job entails chilling in this
seven-million-gallon water tank where the schedule mainly involves performing
six shows a day for marine park crowds every day of the week. The show is
called “Michael, The Yankee Doodle Swim Team Captain”.
Sound like some balderdash
kindergarten lullaby? Thought so…
This 6’4”, 200-pound
aquatic mammal seemed “really excited to be back”. Michael “The Dolphin” Phelps
lost a little of his gold lustre when he got playful upon entering his tank,
breaching the water and making dolphin noises. This is what his trainer had to
say;
“he just started
swimming freestyle and backstroke, and only stopped to slide belly first onto
the tank’s platform so he could be fed dozens of fried egg sandwiches much to
the excitement of the crowd. He fell asleep at the surface of the water around
midnight,” Bowman said.
Audiences (from around the world) will expect
Phelps’ trademark 35 flip turns in 35 seconds, nuzzling a child with his nose,
and Bowman himself SURFING on Phelps’ back while the subservient sea creature
swims backstroke.
Is it just me or are
Americans really dim-witted, asinine motherfuckers? Put a pen on that, we’ll
get back to it. Do you know how much this guy makes from all this crap?
A lot
The fee to enter
SeaWorld ranges from $85/$75 depending on whether you’re an adult/a child to
$150/$140-which means that they rake in $467,000 to $825,000 per show. I
couldn’t find out how much Phelps’ cut is but if he does six shows and he’s the
main attraction besides a couple of killer whales which just need a couple of
kilograms of food per day, you do the math.
I love talking money.
Now from the Olympics, one is awarded a $50,000 cash prize for winning a Gold
Medal. In the United States, there is an additional $25,000 both of which
attract a 33% tax. So don’t be so surprised to hear that Phelps is fed up all
this cartoon money and has decided to retire.
Our Golden Boy,
Kiprotich has already been awarded $50,000. The Vision Group has collected over
$150,000 from the public. Their target is to raise I think $500,000. Old Boy
Sevo has (I hear, mbu) given him $100,000. For a Prison Warden with a pay
raise, I think he should be comfortable enough.
Someone quickly
created a facebook page for public donations so the question on your mind might
be, “have you contributed?”
No, I pay taxes.
Random question:
In 1972, David Obua
won Uganda’s first ever Olympic Gold Medal. It was so awesome that in 1979,
seven years later, it snowed in the Sahara Desert (yes, don’t argue). Would you
consider it a coincidence if it snows again in 2019? I think not, you tell me.
Plus do you think this
post is a little too long and contains too little bullshit? As in do you want
more bullshit?
Holy Crap, how many
questions were those?
STFU
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